1. Anthony “Tunying” Taberna
Taberna is well known for his feisty and confrontational style of broadcast journalism. This style will naturally earn him a few enemies in high places. The popular “Dos Por Dos” anchor also recently established his own coffee shop in Quezon City. Unfortunately, his shop was sprayed with machine gun bullets by unknown assailants, obviously leaving a message. Somebody give this guy a nice glass of scotch. Tunying, have a quiet night at home with Johnnie and think about your life.
2. DJ Tony Tony
Nobody squeezes more out of male pattern baldness and celebrity status more than this guy. Tony is probably really a nice guy, but outside of the confines of showbiz, you will not find a guy who cares more about being famous than Tony Tony Spot this guy at whatever trendy club or whichever bar he is part-owner in, and surely you’ll find him talking to a pretty lady with too much make-up, telling her how famous he is. Spot him at a concert, and he’ll tell you all about how he once interviewed the Taylor Swift’s backup dancer. Give this guy some ice cold vodka because he needs to learn some chill.
3. Every angry Facebook Group admin
Guys, relax. Facebook groups have become the modern day equivalent of the townspeople in Frankenstein, wielding torches and pitchforks and screaming in anger about things they barely understand. Just this week, there were Facebook posts about the OFWs, the Bureau of Customs, Iglesia ni Cristo and Leila de Lima that use language that a decent person would never use in real life. Somebody wished a whole sect of society died so that traffic would clear up. Another suggested that a Customs employee be roasted on an open fire and served as pulutan in Krocodile. Have a beer, guys. Relax.
4. All the breadwinners who commute to work daily
More and more, the trip to work is becoming a bigger headache than the work itself. Shout out to people like Mang Roddy, who commutes from his home in Navotas to his office in Makati. You guys are heroes who are undeservedly suffering. You guys deserve a toast of good champagne.
5. MMDA Chairman Francis Tolentino
Instead of finding a workable solution to solve the country’s traffic woes, this guy instead goes out to the streets himself with a camera crew in tow and decides to direct traffic in a major thoroughfare. Obviously for nothing else but show and campaigning, the MMDA chief wasted our time and money again on this frivolous task. Give this guy a shot of 151, that actually might improve his brain function.
6. That Starbucks barista who’s a little too eager to know how your day went
Baristas probably go through very detailed training on how to engage customers and that clearly shines through on a daily basis. Sometimes though, the barista gets a little bit too exuberant when she finds out you’re having a good day that it’s almost disturbing. Mix in some whisky in that coffee because you need to mellow down.